Now I am at such a stage in my life where honestly things don’t matter to me any longer. Lying here sick on my bed I wonder what went wrong that I actually forgot how to live. As any human would say, there are several people and reasons to be blamed for this situation, but can anyone predict till how long can a person hide the truth within himself. After reaching that self realisation point in my life I conclude that yes it is me. It was all my fault, there behind she was right…..maybe she still is right.
The only reason for messing up with the tense, up is my insecurity or maybe my doubtfulness of her existence in my life. They say love is all you need but what after having all the love…can anyone predict what happens next, I say either the jar of love gets empty or the capacity of the love jar increases. In each case there is one thing guaranteed towards the end of both the situations you are left wondering or rather wandering about what went wrong. Does love has a constitution to follow I wish there was one. I am tired of compromising and sacrificing for nuts why in life would being in a relationship be so complicated?
How about just ending this relationship and escaping from all this guilt, pain and suffering? But that doesn’t make us the true holders of such a fortunate feeling. I remember promising her the best moments in life she could possibly ever have now wondering what made her trust me so easily? Am I living in a dreamland, precisely yes and what gives me the strength to survive this phase are the memories that I shared with her. For us living without each other was never an option we still love each other but deep down in our hearts we also realise that the love jar is no more there we no longer have of it and the truth is that we would hope for the jar to be gifted back to us by Ganymede. Hope is no longer to be seen yes it did die because of the misunderstandings, miscommunications, ego, anger and trust issues. Being a little modest yes I do accept these faults as they were all the bad traits coming from my side and the result can be clearly seen today, we both pretend to be busy and least bothered about this relationship we don’t even make an eye contact maybe because we are scared to show our feelings what if they come out at once and the secret of weeping all alone all the night just gets disclosed. Why is love so complicated I wish I had the courage to make the eye contact with her but no I am too week for that and if this still goes on without a conclusion I am scared the love jar may increase its appetite forcing us to invite people just so that we can make it a little less awkward for each other and more comfortable for ourselves.
It is so strange that human relationships are measured by just a few words, unfortunately these words ignore a certain feelings. How sure a person can be to call a relationship or to tag it with the name of love? Or to tag it with the name of lust? Yes of course tags like friendship and family relationships do exist but these tags often fall short to describe some relationships. As such for me I am having a very tuff time figuring out what would I call my relationship with her?
Having a few guidelines our relationship was of friends later of love and today it is much more than being friends but also far off from love, calling it friends with benefits won’t be wrong ethically but honestly we are above that.
Why is that we humans cannot live up to our promises I wonder what makes it so difficult for us to follow or to keep up with our promises. I am scared to lose her but there is no reason for me to expect her to be with me. We don’t have much to talk about I suppose that is the result of being so deeply in love that after almost 3 years you feel there is nothing left between us to talk about.