Part One—the singer
After my 4-year relationship ended, I was lost. It was as if I forgot how to start all over again. And so I’ve been alone ever since.
For quite some time, I thought I was incapable of falling in love again—until I met her.
Was it her voice, her wit, or her unconventional way of thinking that got me crazy in love? I’m not so sure. But I had this image of her that I admired so dearly.
She was a lovely singer and an artist. I met her in an organization we were both part of during college. That’s when I became acquainted with her. The more I had conversed with her or hear her sing in the school cafeteria, the more powerful her spell became.
When my admiration for her lasted for years, I was convinced that I am—indeed—in love with her.
Somehow, though, there was something stopping me from acting on my feelings. I don’t know how to start again. I don’t know if I should confess to her, or if I should court her. Basically, I don’t know what to do next.
When she finally had a boyfriend, the answer on what to do next became clear: STOP.
Difficult as it may be, I was able to gradually forget about my feelings for her.
Part Two—the reader
A year went by, I started to like another girl. This new girl I’m talking about, I always see in school, and to tell you the truth, she’s really cute. We are from different circles so I have no way to be acquainted with her. Even though I don’t get to talk to her personally, simply seeing her makes my day complete.
I didn’t have enough confidence to talk to her, so one night I borrowed some from my friend, alcohol.
I was drunk when I sent a message to her and, surprisingly, she politely responded. The next day I apologized for bothering her, and we talked even more after my apology. There was an instant click. As I learn more about her, the more I got interested.
Is it her adventurous personality, sophisticated taste in music, or deep interest in books that got me hooked instantly? I don’t know. But I had conjured an image of her I badly wanted to pursue.
As I was spending more time with her, a familiar feeling hit me. I was in love.
But I’m afraid to start again.
History repeats itself is a phrase appropriate to use at this point, because for the second time I was stuck and indecision took over me.
This internal dilemma has somehow affected how things are going between us. Slowly we were being pulled away from each other until we just stopped talking. And that was the end of it.
* * *
I was left heartbroken, twice, by both the singer and the reader.
It dawned on me that I seem to be going through a cycle of falling in love and being brokenhearted.
Is this some sort of a curse? I had many other questions, but never a definite answer.
Until at last the cycle was broken.
* * *
Last Part—the one
I met her in a public speaking and debating organization.
At first, I look at her the same as everyone else in the organization. As the President during that time, I’m keen to be neutral to all the members.
Then there was this one time: I was buying food in the cafeteria when, together with her friend, she approached me and asked, “Will you be my boyfriend?”
I stared at them, shocked. "What are these guys up to?" I thought to myself.
They both laughed. It was clear they were joking. So I obliged.
“Sure,” I responded with a coy smile.
After that incident, every time she saw me at school she would call me ‘boyfriend.’ I just go along with it. It was just a joke, after all. Besides, she’s not my type so the boyfriend joke is nothing to me.
But then we started to talk more often. Surprisingly, I enjoyed our conversations. She has a positive aura contrary to my somewhat somber and serious mood, and that made her all the more fun to be with.
After going out with her for several times, I got comfortable with her company. I started telling her about my deepest secrets, fears, and problems. I told her things I usually kept to myself. She opened herself up to me the same way I did to her. I learned about her personal battles, her insecurities, and her dreams.
For a short period of time, we shared a lot of experiences together. A deeper connection was established between the two of us. I thought after all I have experienced, my heart was as hard as stone, but I started to care for her.
Then, to borrow a line from John Green, “I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once.”
I knew, this time, I was truly in love.
Amidst everything that was going on in this cruel and hopeless world, I found her, I found the one.
I can’t be her joke-boyfriend anymore.
Last November 27, I asked her the question I never asked the girls I mentioned before.
"Will you be my girlfriend?"
Yes, the one replied.
I never thought a three-letter word could ever be so sweet.
* * *
In retrospect, I realized I did not fall in love with the singer and the reader; instead, I fell in love with the idea I have of them. And there lies a huge difference.
You can’t say you truly love someone if you don’t know him or her deeply enough. Bleed in front of your special someone, reveal your vulnerabilities, and most importantly, seek to accept and to understand, and that will make the love real.
I treasure the relationship I have now. I’m happy with my girlfriend and I’m looking forward to having more memories with her.
And hopefully, she’s the last girl I am going to write about.
This story was originally published at Thought Cloud, a space to express. Thought Cloud
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