June 18, 2019

Sitting in my living room surrounded by my family members, I think about you, there is a smile plastered on my face pretending to be contended in front of my parents not revealing to them that inside I am broken. 


I miss you Is all I can say,
This is a habit now, I sit amidst a crowd of people and have my mind on you, I think about the moments I would want to spend with you, the words that would come out of my mouth when you would be next to me, the true happiness I will experience when I will be with you.


But the noises in the room bring me back to the reality and a sigh escapes from my mouth as I realise, this is the reality and not the one, I often dream about.

I don’t know why I love you, this is one question I often ask myself and my mind ponders over a thousand reasons to convince myself but eventually, there is no result just one phrase that comes to my mind “ love is love” , you don’t need reasons to love someone it just happens.

It is true because I really don’t know the reason why I love you so much, I don’t know anything about you even though we have had a few conversations I still don’t know the real you. usually, you fall in love with someone you know really well but that is not our case, sometimes I get this strong urge of sending you a text message that I love you but the reality hits me and I tell myself he wouldn’t understand my feelings this way and I stop myself.

I wait for a simple message from you even if it comes after 6 or 7 months, that simple “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ☺” text from you brings back my false hopes, that lingers deep down in my heart that you love me too, maybe you too have the same fears and concerns as I do. But when I snap back to reality, I think about what if he does not, why would he, he doesn’t know me and maybe he too loves someone a lot and might be facing the same problems as I do.

With this I find myself thinking what if he does and one day, he goes away with her, will my heart be able to take that pain? will I be able to let him go? Guess what I say yes, I will because I am hopelessly in love with you and seeing you happy with the one you love even if it's not me will hurt me but I will be happy because you will be happy.

Yes, that hurts a lot and I feel like knocking some sense into myself, why do I have to put myself through this , why do I have to love you even if I am not sure about your feelings, why whenever I listen to any romantic song my mind goes back to you, why whenever I watch any romantic movie my mind goes back to you, why do I foolishly post stories just to see your name in the views list ,why can I not accept any other guy when he says he loves me, why do I feel like I belong to you even when I know I don’t . WHY?

But even with all these why’s I still cling tightly to this faint false hope that one day we will not be apart ,that maybe we are star- crossed lovers too, one day we will clasp each other’s hand tightly and stargaze the night sky talking about all the insecurities we have, one day when I would want to cry my heart out and talk about how messed up life is I would have you right beside me with your shoulder to lean on, one day when things would get hard we both would have each other’s backs, one day when I would be scared to death I will feel safe in your  strong embrace.
One day, ONE DAY?


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