Scars And Shatters: The Ruins Of My Past

For years I have shied away from disclosing a thing that is so close to my heart, however, on the eve of Valentine’s Day, 2018, I decided that I could no more bind myself to an insulated box away from the rest of the world. So, I write to you:

She asked me to wait, and so I did, for a mighty 4 years. For I could have waited a lifetime, however, this was sufficient. So I did propose her on Valentine’s Day, 2014 and the words which followed still ring in my ears, she said, “It would be an honor”. I could replay that moment a thousand times, and yet be as happy as a clam. It was one of the best days of my life. To my dismay, this new chapter was only short-lived as it had hardly lasted for a few months.

Naïve to what was going on in her mind, I had soon become a stranger to her. Had I become too dependent on her or had I become a tad bit too weak? I was confused, shocked and oblivious to what was going on.

Having been a person who looks serious by face, though believe you me I am often just thinking about food, I tend to put others interests before mine. Being caught in this situation, where till date I haven’t shared much of the intricacies of my life with others, I really didn’t know what to do or whom to pour my heart out to. I am of the belief that one should be positive and spread happiness around. Hence, when things get hazy, I share my problems in a rather humorous way, with a smile on my face. For I don’t like making people feel melancholic and more importantly, I do not want sympathy. People have problems of their own and why should I hang my heavy bag of burden on them.

While I could be tough to the outside world, I just couldn’t help walloping the real Havi Joshi from her eyes. I would pour my heart down to her and share the tiniest and sometimes even the most whimsical events of my life, without giving it a second thought. Maybe, this is what led her to the perception that I was weak. I, acting more as a friend, ensured that I did everything within my reach to make her feel happier and bigger. I had taken the responsibility to make her feel that she was the most special person in the world. My peers were of the opinion that I had lost all my self-respect, however, I would turn a blind eye to them. And, what was my reward; in her words, “You have never made me happy”.

Alright, you don’t like me and yes, I understand that you do not want to be in a relationship, that is your volition. Everyone has the right to choice and she was well in her limits to say so. For I am not bothered whether you wish to be single or you wish to be with someone else, but at least acknowledge the leaps I have taken to treat you no less than a Princess, the strives I have put forth to ensure that there isn’t a moment of darkness in your life and the numerous times I have sublet my interests for the sake of yours.

I believe that if you love someone, you should be happy in the manner they prescribe themselves to be, which may or may-not be with you. Love is not always about the hugs and kisses, but it’s about the chills that run down your spine, It’s similar to breathing, something so involuntary and something so unconditional. People may perceive me to be an old school person, and I take that rather as a complement. Perhaps people do not interpret old school the way I do and is it wrong to be dedicated, determined and committed towards what you do? Most definitely not, be it my personal or professional life, however, I do tend to make an exception when it comes to academics. Maybe it was something I was born with and something for which I am forever obliged.

Men often misconstrue and fail to aptly differentiate love and relationships. They are indeed two different things, and one may say that love is a sub-constituent of a relationship. A relationship doesn’t really work solely on love, it imbibes within itself features and values of empathy, kindness and care. Post breakup I always reconciled myself saying that ‘it would be okay’ and ‘I could handle it’, I mean after all I was a strong boy. But, was it all that easy? Could I have let go off something that I had nurtured for such a long time and not even turn back once? During the short-lived musical story of mine, I had become slightly less independent and a bit too attached. I had made her my vent where I could just blurt out my feelings, and when this vent got blocked, I got more and more suffocated. It was one of the toughest phases of my life and unable to decipher the erratic emotions around me, I used to get sudden shocks. For years I concealed this aspect of my life from the outside world, as even the mere thought of it made my voice tremble with fear.

Whenever my buddies referred to her in my presence, I would get slightly iffy and my heart would beat at a rate faster than the speed of light. But, how could I share this with my friends whose lives was in-turn in turmoil. For I was usually was the one who would console them, mentor them and guide them. If I were to become weak in front of them, how would they stay strong and fight the atrocities in life?

Slowly, I adapted to the changes around me and started sharing bits and pieces of my life with my friends, however, this hardly gave me the same satisfaction and reconciliation that I used to get while speaking to her. It took time, something that seemed like a lifetime to me, to recover and fully get over her. However, amidst these gloomy days, I’d stay strong and would face all the hurdles that life put in front of me with a smile.

Soon I joined college to embark upon a new journey, however, the ruins of my past followed me whenever she’d message me. It was probably to ask how I was, however, I no more needed that pity from her. I seldom responded, for I was afraid of getting attached to her again.

Responding to her invitation to meet, we were brought in front of each other after the completion of my first year in college. But as we met and interacted, something just didn’t seem to add up. Something had changed and something was different. She wasn’t the same person I had fallen in love with, it was like I was meeting someone else. More than the sadness which dawned upon me, it was the real blow and shock that had stunned me. I was unaware as to how I should react or should I at all?

This is the point where I questioned myself and tried to find the answers to the intricacies of life in general. Why do things change? More importantly, why do people change?

Where was the girl I immensely loved? Where did she vanish?

As I grew up, I began to realize that I couldn’t blame her for what had happened, because time makes things and people change and it’s a part of growing up. ‘Actions of throwing mere allegations on one’s exes is not acts of a gentleman and I steadfast stand by this saying. Life is in itself a learning curveball and the day you learn to face the challenges with a smile, half the battle is won!

Though once so close, today we are strangers studying in the same city for our graduation. Change is the only constant in life and we have to live with it. Maybe I’ll remember her and my love story as one of Nicholas Sparks’ love story novels.

I, for the time ahead didn’t think of mingling with anybody, perhaps I was still caught in the shackles of my previous bout. I was scared of being hurt again and another subsequent situation would render to be even more fatal. So I did become, what many may call these days, a “Sakth Launda”.

In life when you are shattered or broken and defeated, you have two options: you can either chose to be a crystal which can be broken with much ease, or you become such fine steel that can never be broken. The coin is in your hand and it’s all up to you. Someone has very rightly said that we are the authors of our own destiny. One has to be positive, and what is life really without a pinch of salt. It may not be because of any philosophical reason but because you have no choice.

Today, I have moved on and I might have been attracted to another girl. However, pangs of nervousness flooded me before I could approach her. The very presence of her near me would have me elated and the smallest conversations would make me euphoric with blithe. I was hesitant to talk to her, but I was sure that I didn’t want to have the feeling of regret or remorse in the future and that the one thing in my hand, which was to try, I did not do. So, I did approach her, maybe for a date or something, but to my misfortune she was already committed. So, yes, things didn’t really workout but I was convinced that I had at least made an attempt. Of course, wounds heal only if you nurture them.

Maybe what doesn’t kill you, simply makes you stronger.

Edited by Rakshit Agarwal