Edited by- Aurna Nidamarthy
[artwork by Pride Nyasha]
I know it’s frowned upon to point fingers. I know I shouldn’t be quick to blame others. I know it’s wrong to find fault. But you know what? Screw that.
It’s your fault.
It’s your fault I’m disappointed. It’s your fault I’m unhappy. It’s your fault I wasted my time.
I think I was waiting for it to get better. I mean, I was hoping for it to get better. I gave you more chances than I can count. I wanted so badly to believe that you were good for me. I was so sure about you. I was so sure about what I was doing. I was so sure that you were going to change my life.
But that didn’t happen.
This acceptance was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I had to wake up. I had to do something scary and something I’ve never done before. I had to take care of myself. I had to take a stand and do what was good for me.
I know I had a part to play too, and I’m not saying that I will not accept a part of the blame.
But it’s still mostly you. There’s no denying that.
All my life I took people’s shit. I sat through it quietly and watched as they ripped me apart. But I’m taking a stand now. I’m not going to let you walk over me anymore. I’m not going to let anyone walk over me anymore. I am standing up. For the first time in a long time, I am standing up.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I’m not supposed to feel bad. But I’m not perfect. And I’ve never really been good at goodbyes.
It’s taken me so long to realize this and to be honest, I’m not quite there yet. But this realization is starting. It’s trickling into my blood. I can now say these words.
I deserve more.